Just a Thought....Coping.

Just a Thought....Coping. I write this post tonight with a different heart and mindset. One of the hardest things to accept when you go down the path of self-discovery is that we all have demons and bad memories that we must face and deal with before we move onward and upward. I had to face the facts about my youth and tendencies that I developed as I got older. Here I stand a 45 man with the same fears and doubts I have since I was 18. I was afraid of dying. As I get older that fear gets more impactful. My only saving grace is putting my trust in God. It is the only thing that comforts me when thinking about it. The other is the fear of just becoming the person in the background. Don't get me wrong,, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being that person. If you don't know who the person in the background is the one who 25 or 30 years for the same company. Dependable, reliable and trustworthy. They show up to work on time, do their job accordingly, go home, wash, rinse and repeat. They get married and stay married until death do us part, they buy a house and live in it until they leave the earth. They raise two kids and send them off to college. Their legacy will continue through their kids until they grow up and have kids of their own. Eventually to the point where with time they fade into the distance. Absolutely a beautiful life, a righteous existence Most people would feel blessed to live their lives out as such. I want more, I want to leave a legacy that is transcendent, beyond the scope of my life. I want to leave a trail like Emily Dickenson, F. Scott Fitzgerald, C.S. Lewis, E.E. Cummings, Monet, Mozart, Picasso, and so many other great artists, writers, musicians, and creators. Is it wrong to dream this big, to want something bigger than yourself? I know that it is late in the game for me but I have to keep trying. Even with failure, I can go knowing I gave it my best effort. So I have accepted the fact that wasted time in my youth that I can't get back. I have accepted the fact that although I didn't want to be like my father, I have become almost exactly like him. I have accepted the fact that I am in my position all of my own accord, no one to blame for my circumstances except myself. I have been in a state of depression looking at the facts of my life. It has been necessary to stay away from writing and being active because I had to learn to cope with my past but now that I feel like I am coming from up under those clouds, going forward I have to learn to forgive myself for my past mistakes, ask for forgiveness from others that I may have hurt in the process. I have asked God for his mercy and grace in seeking forgiveness. It is time to move forward and start again. This time, if I fail it is because of what I didn't do to succeed whether it is the effort, managing my situation and my inability to prepare properly. What the reason, this time it is all on me because I know better this time around. I can't blame it for being ignorant. So until tomorrow and another opportunity to make it a better world....this was just a thought.