Just a Thought....Coping.

Just a Thought....Coping. I write this post tonight with a different heart and mindset. One of the hardest things to accept when you go down the path of self-discovery is that we all have demons and bad memories that we must face and deal with before we move onward and upward. I had to face the facts about my youth and tendencies that I developed as I got older. Here I stand a 45 man with the same fears and doubts I have since I was 18. I was afraid of dying. As I get older that fear gets more impactful. My only saving grace is putting my trust in God. It is the only thing that comforts me when thinking about it. The other is the fear of just becoming the person in the background. Don't get me wrong,, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being that person. If you don't know who the person in the background is the one who 25 or 30 years for the same company. Dependable, reliable and trustworthy. They show up to work on time, do their job accordingly, go home, wash, rinse and repeat. They get married and stay married until death do us part, they buy a house and live in it until they leave the earth. They raise two kids and send them off to college. Their legacy will continue through their kids until they grow up and have kids of their own. Eventually to the point where with time they fade into the distance. Absolutely a beautiful life, a righteous existence Most people would feel blessed to live their lives out as such. I want more, I want to leave a legacy that is transcendent, beyond the scope of my life. I want to leave a trail like Emily Dickenson, F. Scott Fitzgerald, C.S. Lewis, E.E. Cummings, Monet, Mozart, Picasso, and so many other great artists, writers, musicians, and creators. Is it wrong to dream this big, to want something bigger than yourself? I know that it is late in the game for me but I have to keep trying. Even with failure, I can go knowing I gave it my best effort. So I have accepted the fact that wasted time in my youth that I can't get back. I have accepted the fact that although I didn't want to be like my father, I have become almost exactly like him. I have accepted the fact that I am in my position all of my own accord, no one to blame for my circumstances except myself. I have been in a state of depression looking at the facts of my life. It has been necessary to stay away from writing and being active because I had to learn to cope with my past but now that I feel like I am coming from up under those clouds, going forward I have to learn to forgive myself for my past mistakes, ask for forgiveness from others that I may have hurt in the process. I have asked God for his mercy and grace in seeking forgiveness. It is time to move forward and start again. This time, if I fail it is because of what I didn't do to succeed whether it is the effort, managing my situation and my inability to prepare properly. What the reason, this time it is all on me because I know better this time around. I can't blame it for being ignorant. So until tomorrow and another opportunity to make it a better world....this was just a thought.

Just a Thought....Recovering My Soul.

Just a Thought.....Recovering The Soul. I am struggling here, folks. No shame in admitting that I am desperate. I find myself being my own worst enemy. I should be happy that some things have turned out okay. I got my van running again. The weather is getting better and I enjoy it so much. But when it comes to figuring out what is going on in my head. Well, that is the problem. I have strayed from my diet and have put back on about four pounds. Now that may not seem like a lot but when you are trying to lose weight. Well going back up a few pounds is a big problem. Trying to figure out a way to get more active and workout. I want to run but the pain right now is really terrible after I go out for a light jog. I am trying to break the regular habits that I have had for as long as I can remember. It is tough and I really come down hard on myself when I lose sight of my goal. I wish I had someone that could be my partner to keep me accountable. I feel like I have lost some momentum and I am really trying hard to get it back. I am my own worst enemy right now. My writing has been shit, my diet has been shit, my luck, my finances, and health have taken a hit. If it wasn't for mt faith right... I'd be absolutely lost. A few good moments here and there but I can't get past the bad ones. At least not yet. This doesn't mean I am not going to keep trying or that I give up easily. I think am in a rut and it sucks to be here. Tomorrow will start a new day and hopefully a new chance to start over. I do have goals and dreams to get to and this will not stop me. I just fell yuck and I think it is okay to feel this way sometimes. I just feel like I have let myself down because I know I am capable of more. I hope this doesn't come across a "whoa is me" type of post. I just need to vent and get it off my chest. I think I need a vent buddy and don't know where to turn to except all of you. I am going to give it another shot tomorrow so please wish me luck. I need a good run of luck and some divine guidance to get me back in the right direction. I know that deep within myself my soul I am crying out for help from above. I know he will answer in his time. I just gotta keep the faith. I always try to remember...walk by faith and not by sight. So tonight before I hit my pillow, I will brush my teeth and say a prayer. Hoping that tomorrow is a better day. So until we meet again friends....this was just a thought.

Just a Thought...Prayer for Writing.

Just a Thought....Prayer for Writing. So the other day a dear friend send me something that I absolutely loved. It was so on par with my spiritual journey. My dream has always been that I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to create and share the worlds and words inside my head. I always found myself throwing up excuses and reason to procrastinate on the daily. Then my friend sent me an interesting read. It explained that what I was experiencing was a resistance. It started to make sense. There are people or forces that don't want you to achieve your goals so they feed into your mind and environment to disrupt your progress in chasing your goals and making your vision into reality even harder. The idea is that before you write you need to get yourself in the correct state of mind. I mean you wouldn't just hop in the car a drive aimlessly without having a preplanned destination. Athletes are very keen upon using this idea of getting in a ready state of mind before heading out on the field or court. They practice their skills daily and have rituals to get their minds and bodies in preparation to achieve peak performance when and where it counts. I believe that common sense says it is easier to run if you have stretched your legs before doing strenuous activity. It is the same principle when writing. It is better to prep the mind to write and even better when you have an outline or gameplan when you sit down to write. It's okay to start out without a set plan. Most of us don't have any idea of where we want a story or characters to lead us. They make up the material as they write which is good for some writers but working with an outlined idea of where you want to take a story or character is usually so much easier because you have direction and hopefully a completed idea of the destination. I have found me a nice pray that I say before I strike a key and I hope to make it a ritual before I write. So having a prayer so that my diety can help lead me in the direction that he wants me to go is exactly what I needed. So thank you to my friend. You know who you are and thanks for the encouragement. So until tomorrow friends. This was...just a thought.