Just a Thought....Coping.

Just a Thought....Coping. I write this post tonight with a different heart and mindset. One of the hardest things to accept when you go down the path of self-discovery is that we all have demons and bad memories that we must face and deal with before we move onward and upward. I had to face the facts about my youth and tendencies that I developed as I got older. Here I stand a 45 man with the same fears and doubts I have since I was 18. I was afraid of dying. As I get older that fear gets more impactful. My only saving grace is putting my trust in God. It is the only thing that comforts me when thinking about it. The other is the fear of just becoming the person in the background. Don't get me wrong,, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being that person. If you don't know who the person in the background is the one who 25 or 30 years for the same company. Dependable, reliable and trustworthy. They show up to work on time, do their job accordingly, go home, wash, rinse and repeat. They get married and stay married until death do us part, they buy a house and live in it until they leave the earth. They raise two kids and send them off to college. Their legacy will continue through their kids until they grow up and have kids of their own. Eventually to the point where with time they fade into the distance. Absolutely a beautiful life, a righteous existence Most people would feel blessed to live their lives out as such. I want more, I want to leave a legacy that is transcendent, beyond the scope of my life. I want to leave a trail like Emily Dickenson, F. Scott Fitzgerald, C.S. Lewis, E.E. Cummings, Monet, Mozart, Picasso, and so many other great artists, writers, musicians, and creators. Is it wrong to dream this big, to want something bigger than yourself? I know that it is late in the game for me but I have to keep trying. Even with failure, I can go knowing I gave it my best effort. So I have accepted the fact that wasted time in my youth that I can't get back. I have accepted the fact that although I didn't want to be like my father, I have become almost exactly like him. I have accepted the fact that I am in my position all of my own accord, no one to blame for my circumstances except myself. I have been in a state of depression looking at the facts of my life. It has been necessary to stay away from writing and being active because I had to learn to cope with my past but now that I feel like I am coming from up under those clouds, going forward I have to learn to forgive myself for my past mistakes, ask for forgiveness from others that I may have hurt in the process. I have asked God for his mercy and grace in seeking forgiveness. It is time to move forward and start again. This time, if I fail it is because of what I didn't do to succeed whether it is the effort, managing my situation and my inability to prepare properly. What the reason, this time it is all on me because I know better this time around. I can't blame it for being ignorant. So until tomorrow and another opportunity to make it a better world....this was just a thought.

Just a Thought....Recovering My Soul.

Just a Thought.....Recovering The Soul. I am struggling here, folks. No shame in admitting that I am desperate. I find myself being my own worst enemy. I should be happy that some things have turned out okay. I got my van running again. The weather is getting better and I enjoy it so much. But when it comes to figuring out what is going on in my head. Well, that is the problem. I have strayed from my diet and have put back on about four pounds. Now that may not seem like a lot but when you are trying to lose weight. Well going back up a few pounds is a big problem. Trying to figure out a way to get more active and workout. I want to run but the pain right now is really terrible after I go out for a light jog. I am trying to break the regular habits that I have had for as long as I can remember. It is tough and I really come down hard on myself when I lose sight of my goal. I wish I had someone that could be my partner to keep me accountable. I feel like I have lost some momentum and I am really trying hard to get it back. I am my own worst enemy right now. My writing has been shit, my diet has been shit, my luck, my finances, and health have taken a hit. If it wasn't for mt faith right... I'd be absolutely lost. A few good moments here and there but I can't get past the bad ones. At least not yet. This doesn't mean I am not going to keep trying or that I give up easily. I think am in a rut and it sucks to be here. Tomorrow will start a new day and hopefully a new chance to start over. I do have goals and dreams to get to and this will not stop me. I just fell yuck and I think it is okay to feel this way sometimes. I just feel like I have let myself down because I know I am capable of more. I hope this doesn't come across a "whoa is me" type of post. I just need to vent and get it off my chest. I think I need a vent buddy and don't know where to turn to except all of you. I am going to give it another shot tomorrow so please wish me luck. I need a good run of luck and some divine guidance to get me back in the right direction. I know that deep within myself my soul I am crying out for help from above. I know he will answer in his time. I just gotta keep the faith. I always try to remember...walk by faith and not by sight. So tonight before I hit my pillow, I will brush my teeth and say a prayer. Hoping that tomorrow is a better day. So until we meet again friends....this was just a thought.

Just a Thought...Prayer for Writing.

Just a Thought....Prayer for Writing. So the other day a dear friend send me something that I absolutely loved. It was so on par with my spiritual journey. My dream has always been that I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to create and share the worlds and words inside my head. I always found myself throwing up excuses and reason to procrastinate on the daily. Then my friend sent me an interesting read. It explained that what I was experiencing was a resistance. It started to make sense. There are people or forces that don't want you to achieve your goals so they feed into your mind and environment to disrupt your progress in chasing your goals and making your vision into reality even harder. The idea is that before you write you need to get yourself in the correct state of mind. I mean you wouldn't just hop in the car a drive aimlessly without having a preplanned destination. Athletes are very keen upon using this idea of getting in a ready state of mind before heading out on the field or court. They practice their skills daily and have rituals to get their minds and bodies in preparation to achieve peak performance when and where it counts. I believe that common sense says it is easier to run if you have stretched your legs before doing strenuous activity. It is the same principle when writing. It is better to prep the mind to write and even better when you have an outline or gameplan when you sit down to write. It's okay to start out without a set plan. Most of us don't have any idea of where we want a story or characters to lead us. They make up the material as they write which is good for some writers but working with an outlined idea of where you want to take a story or character is usually so much easier because you have direction and hopefully a completed idea of the destination. I have found me a nice pray that I say before I strike a key and I hope to make it a ritual before I write. So having a prayer so that my diety can help lead me in the direction that he wants me to go is exactly what I needed. So thank you to my friend. You know who you are and thanks for the encouragement. So until tomorrow friends. This was...just a thought.

Just a Thought.....Halloween.

Just a Thought....Happy Halloween. So this evening ends the best month of the year. It's always sad to see Halloween go. It means that October is gone...no more scary movies on the regular, The state Fair is closed for another year and dressing like a murderous clown will get you thrown in a jail cell instead of rewarded with a nice snicker bar. I can remember having so much fun as a kid going out to get candy and dressed like a possed monk. Halloween these days has gotten far better at being able to find authentic and more creative costume ideas for both kids and adults. I can remember when the only place you could find a costume was at a local store like Motts or K-mart. Then came along a giant like Wal-mart as it started to grow and gain popularity that offered more options and some were really good options to buy a good store-bought costume. There was nothing like making a homemade costume as long as you could find the material. Now it is as simple as either ordering it online and having it shipped to your home or office. Or just going to somewhere like Party City or Spirits to go buy a Halloween costume. It can literally take you all of 5 minutes to find something. Then the actual act of going out and walking door to door in your neighborhood to ask for free candy is a foreign concept to a new generation of kids. You have to pry them away from Fortnite to get out and walk to get free candy. I know a lot of things have changed since I was a kid going out on the hunt for candy with my friends. But the act of dressing up, scaring people and getting awesome treats is still alive and well. Other than Christmas, there is none bigger of a holiday that produces so much commerce. That is until they actually make Amazon Prime Day a national holiday. Halloween continues to thrive. The only advantage of Trick or Treating as an adult rather than the children is that you get to do half the work but get all the benefits of eating your kid's candy and hiding it under the guise that all that candy is bad for them. As soon as I finish this post I will most definitely be heading over to the kids' bucket and dig out my favorites. So until tomorrow friends, remember that....this was just a thought.

Just a Thought...Winter.

Just a Thought....Hello Winter. I know that there are people that like summer and the Texas heat. I usually don't mind the heat but at some point, it gets to be ridiculous. When it is nine o'clock at night and the temperature outside is still in the nineties. C'mon, you have to be kidding me saying you can enjoy that crap. Let alone once it gets over one hundred degrees for weeks on end. It is miserable to a point of not being able to enjoy the day outside. So with a smile on my face and a hot cup of coffee in my hands. I say welcome winter, I have missed you old friend. Time to pull out the jackets, sweaters, and hoodies. It's time for hot chocolate, fires burning and space heaters providing the warmth. It is as close as we get to a real winter here in Texas and it usually doesn't last very long. I have always enjoyed the colder temperatures just because they remind me of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. It is a reminder that the year is almost over and the time to plan for a fresh start and new beginnings. A time to plan to see families and enjoy the company of friends. The time people find forgiveness, faith, and love. The season has usually been a downer since my father passed away but I think I am really looking forward to this holiday season. I know that last year was tough because I was injured and by the time I was ready to return to work, most of the holidays had already passed. It was tough sledding last year. I am praying that God has mercy on me this year and lets me be upright for this holiday season. I will be getting my thermal pants and shirts, gloves and long sleeve shirt ready for tomorrow. It's the first freezing night here in the area. So those of you who live elsewhere and are used to so much cold weather, I am envious. I really wish it would snow. But that is asking too much. So I will end it here and get to bed, ready to face the weather tomorrow. This was just a thought.

Just a Thought...Fighting the Good Fight.

Just a Thought....fight the good fight. It has been a few days since I last posted something. I am really fighting my own self procrastination and this sinking feeling that I have had lately. The struggle for me has been trying to regain my focus. After not feeling good for a few days, I thought that everything would go back to normal. But there were a few days where I just couldn't pull myself up and write. I don't know if I was just still feeling exhausted or depressed. I would sit down and just look at the screen and draw a blank. My mind would race about the other more pressing needs in my life. Like getting my wife's vehicle up and running again. Without it, life was a messy roundabout. I was just racking my brain for a solution to the problem. Praying and praying that things would work out is about the only thing I felt comfortable doing. Even now as I sit and write, I still have this sinking feeling that what I am doing is going to amount to anything. To be a writer, you have to be special and sometimes I don't feel special. I am really trying to concentrate and focus on getting back in a good groove. I am far from giving up, I am just feeling in need of finding support and direction. That uneasy feeling of spiraling in a circle is what the world seems like somedays. There is more than what is happening in my life all around but sometimes you just focus on your own little spec in this grand world and after real close evaluation, I see myself as a failure up to this point. This can't be all that there is to this life, my faith won't allow me to believe this but someday I just let that voice of self-doubt and loathe sink into my mind and it fucks with me in the most terrible ways. I think I just need to sit back and relax and regain perspective. It all begins with my prayers to God and how much I allow him to work in me. I still have a lot of changing to get even close to where I want to be as a Christian. I will go lay down tonight and ask God to guide me back to the path I was on. So for those of you still loyal and faithful readers....Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Keep this short and sweet tonight, I say " Parting is such sweet sorrow." Until we meet again..this was just a thought.

Just a Thought....Shoes.

Just a Thought...Shoes. I had saved this story a while back and now have the opportunity to tell you about it. First things first, it is never a good idea to get dressed in the dark. Let me explain why? This one particular morning when I was getting dressed to go to work. I didn't want to disturb my wife by turning on the bright lights to get dressed. She usually doesn't sleep well and when she does I hate waking her. So trying to be as quiet as a church mouse. I grabbed my shoes and went to the living room. Sat down on the couch in the dark. I put on my shoes and headed out the door. I hopped in the car and drove to work as normal. Work starts early so it is usually dark outside. I got in and out of the warehouse and tore ass out on my morning route. I finished all of my early stops and stopped for a cup of coffee. While fishing in my pocket for change to pay for my beverage. I looked down at my feet and low and behold, there it was staring me in the face. I had two different black shoes on. How did I not know I had different shoes on. I have the same exact type of comfort insole so I couldn't tell the difference. It reminds of a line in the movie Shawshank Redemption. Morgan Freeman's character Red is explaining the escape of the main protagonist Andy Dufrense. Spoiler alert...so if you have been hiding under a rock and have never seen this movie..you really need to take a look. So he steals the warden's shoes by wearing them back to his cell when he is being escorted by the guards. The line Red says is "How often do you look at a man's shoes?" I now totally agree with him when it comes to how often men look at each other the way women do. Had I worked with any females, it would have taken them a nantenth of a second to spot my wardrobe faux paw. I made it through the whole day without anyone calling me out. I felt like such a dork. I told my wife about it and she couldn't believe that no one noticed. So now I at least go in my restroom and turn the light on to see if I am wearing matching shoes. I just could believe that I didn't notice. Have any of you ever had something like this happen? I would love to hear any stories about wardrobe malfunctions. Anyways...I gotta get to writing for the night so until tomorrow this was....just a thought.