Just a Thought....Regret.

Just a Thought...Regret. One of the worst things a person can feel is regret. I have been feeling this so much lately. So much of this stems from not making a better decision that would have helped my family and would have helped me become a better person. It's been weighing on me so much. I knew that I could do better but decided to do nothing because I just didn't know how or thought that it would ruin my life. I should have trusted God sooner. I shouldn't have held grudges, I know I should have forgiven. I should have been a better father, a better husband, a better brother, a better friend. I've wasted so much time that I can never get back. I know that a part of this started when my father passed away. I wasn't on the best of terms with him before he got really sick and it was because of stupid pettiness. Once I knew that he was going to die, I lost it. I wasted time, precious time that I couldn't get back. I got mad at God, I got mad at myself and I just hated the world. I carried that with me deep down for a long time. I buried myself in nonsense, made bad decisions, I regret being that sad, buried guy for so long. I let so many people down, people who I truly care about and should have been there for them. I was lost, I was absent, I just felt a dark blackness inside for so long. I tried to break my funk so many times and just couldn't get myself together because I was thinking I could do it on my own. I can't, I need help, I need God in my life, I need a purpose, I need a plan and I need a reason to push myself to become what I needed to be. I am getting there day by day, word by word and minute by minute. It's going to take every bit of effort to try and make it this time. Because the one thing I don't want to do is die with regret. I don't want to lose the opportunities that God has placed before on this path. I have lost enough time to regret and for being stupid and immature for so long. Living with no plan and no direction. I was just driving in my car with no destination and an empty gas tank. I hope that every day, I find the strength and purpose to keep pushing my limits. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want the struggle, I want the failure, I want the challenge that life is ready to throw at me. I want it all, as long as there is a payoff to accomplish a goal, a milestone, a dream. So until tomorrow friends, this was....just a thought.